93-Year-Old Shadowy Cabal Now Hiring

Oh, young one. Do you thirst for influence, prestige and the faded glory of Her Majesty's Empire? Are you looking for work? Well, happy day: The Council on Foreign Relations (i.e. Old-Timey Davos) is hiring an Assistant Editor.

If you are — or have ever had a longstanding acquaintance with — a member of the John Birch Society, then you probably don't need to be told who comprises the Council on Foreign Relations (CFR) or how integral they are to the orchestration of an ominous New World Order. For everyone else, however, a primer:

93-Year-Old Shadowy Cabal Now Hiring

As Britain's empire began to splinter (or, if you prefer, heroically cast off the yokes of colonial bondage), a wistful idea for a secret society began to gain traction across a certain class in the English-speaking world. First articulated in an overheated will, written by South African politician, De Beers diamond magnate, and Pax Britannica nostalgist Cecil Rhodes in his early twenties, the purpose of this secret society was:

The extension of British rule throughout the world [...] the ultimate recovery of the United States of America as an integral part of the British Empire [...] and finally the foundation of so great a power as to hereafter render wars impossible and promote the best interest of humanity.

Very sentimental; an excitable boy, they all said.

While the degree can certainly be debated, following Rhodes' death, the executor of his estate, Sir Alfred Lord Milner, implemented at least a softer version of this in what came to be known as the Round Table Movement. Basically, fancy little salons in Canada, England, Australia, and elsewhere, devoted to letting serious men, academics, bankers, politicians, and the like, discuss foreign policy issues of grave importance. What we know today as the Council on Foreign Relations was born out of a 1921 merger between one of these groups ... and some other group already named the Council on Foreign Relations.

And, so: From about the advent of WWI, until that point when the halls of power suddenly became flooded with nouveau riche IT dweebs, the Council exerted a nearly monolithic influence on American foreign policy and thus global affairs. These days, Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein is a member; as are national security wizards like James A. Baker III, Zbigniew Brzezinski, Henry Kissinger, and Colin Powell; Past presidents, like Bill Clinton; George Clooney, for some reason, and global do-gooder Angelina Jolie. In other words, the clout's still there, despite the reality that CFR is now fighting for space with every other podunk ideas festival and economic summit on the block.

What were the fruits of all this influence?

Echoing Rhodes a bit, Clinton's old mentor at Georgetown and an early Council gadfly Carroll Quigley once described the group's objective as "nothing less than to create a world system of financial control in private hands able to dominate the political system of each country and economy of the world as a whole" — and at the risk of being glib, they basically did.

If you caught Vanity Fair's April 2013 longread on the mysterious, luxury apartments at One Hyde Park, then you already know that the pared-down vestiges of the British Empire — up to, and including, a scary, stateless enclave right in the middle of London — are now nothing more than a global archipelago of profitable tax havens. British financial services company Barclays topped that list of capital and asset dominating super-multinationals generated by researchers at the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology in 2011. And did you ever notice that like most of our TV shows now are remakes of British ones?

As UC Santa Cruz sociologist Bill Domhoff once put it, in the introduction to a seminal book examining the Council's influence, "organizations like the Council on Foreign Relations are necessary in helping the capitalist class move from a class-in-itself to a class-for-itself."

(In the interest of equal time, William Bundy, a State Department member to both JFK and LBJ, and an Eisenhower-era analyst for the CIA, did not think that book was very fair, when he was editor of the CFR's journal Foreign Affairs, and, ha, ha, Honorary American Secretary General of the Bilderberg group. So, caveat lector!)

93-Year-Old Shadowy Cabal Now Hiring

To summarize, a position at CFR is a great career opportunity with a lot of financial stability and room for advancement. Your paychecks will not bounce and the right shape-shifting reptilians from Alpha Draconis will definitely take notice. Ever consider marrying up? You could do no better than to mix your bloodline with an inter-dimensional lizard man. (They're so tall!)

Let's get to Brass tacks: What would this Assistant Editor position entail?

The Global Communications and Media Relations department is responsible for positioning and promoting CFR via the full spectrum of media, marketing, and public relations. The Publishing department, part of the David Rockefeller Studies Program, is responsible for editing and producing CFR's print and online publications. The Assistant Editor will help support both departments with the increase in CFR materials, while ensuring CFR style consistency across the institution.

Quite a lot of responsibility!

Hopefully, they will find someone capable of full-spectrum dominance across all publishing media!

Your qualifications should include:

  • Undergraduate degree with a concentration in English or international affairs with strong academic credentials
  • Minimum of two years of copyediting or editorial/writing experience in communications, journalism, publishing, or related field.
  • Excellent editing skills, including copyediting, fact checking, and headline writing
  • Strong organizational skills and attention to detail
  • Interest in a career in publishing, journalism, or communications
  • Excellent computer skills, including MS Word and Excel, and Internet skills
  • Familiarity with HTML and Adobe software preferred
  • A flexible, positive, team-oriented attitude
  • Proven ability to meet deadlines
  • Availability to work a flexible schedule in order to respond to assignments due to breaking news

Not too daunting a bar to clear, actually, for the opportunity to discover just how erogenously opiodal Raw Power truly is — as the sepulchral frame of Henry Kissinger himself mumbles a hot mist of vodka-soaked nothings into you ear about Ukrainian unity and the Finland model, or whatever.

The job listing continues, "CFR also publishes Foreign Affairs, the preeminent magazine on global issues, and provides up-to-date information about the world and U.S. foreign policy on its award-winni" ending abruptly.

They do need an assistant editor, after all, award winnies.

Applicants can email their resumes and cover letters to the Council's human resources department, humanresources@cfr.org.