A dead Supreme Court Justice, a mysterious pillow, missing autopsies, the 10-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting a guy in the face, and he was a mere 79 years young. Whether or not these factors have any bearing on what happened to Antonin Scalia is irrelevant, because put together, it’s a conspiracy theorist’s dream come true.
For the hordes of amateur internet sleuths asking the questions no one else dares, the question is less what happened to Scalia than who. Some of their cases are more diligently compiled than others, and none of them totally make sense, but then again—that’s what They want you to think.
So, to support the pursuit of truth, here are some of the best Scalia conspiracies the internet has to offer. Trust no one.
Obama Murdered Scalia
Is there anything Barack Hussein Obama wouldn’t do?
Exhibit A: Obama was told hours before the public knew
According to (what else but) Infowars.com, President Obama knew about Scalia’s death hours before the information became publicly available. They point us to a report from DC Whispers, which, according to the internet’s leading Jade Helm conspiracy resource, “routinely publishes controversial reports based on inside sources”:
Word reached the White House hours before formal media announcements were made regarding longtime Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia having been found dead while vacationing at a Texas resort. First the speechwriters were summoned to provide the appropriate tone for Barack Obama’s remarks.
During that same time, Obama and Valerie Jarrett were already initiating a long-standing plan for what they viewed as a prime opportunity to make Mr. Obama relevant once again and an opportunity that the President was said to be thrilled to have before him.
Thrilled, you say, Mr. Hussein Obama? How very curious, indeed.
Exhibit B: The Judge who blocked an autopsy was previously accused of a murder coverup
Now that Justice Scalia’s body has been embalmed (at the “family’s” “request,” so they say), any hope that an autopsy might reveal the truth is null and void. Which is awfully convenient considering the fact that the usual justice of the peace for Presidio, Texas, Juanita Bishop, just so happened to be indisposed that day for a “work-related event.”
The justice that took her place, Judge Cinderella Guevara, had previously not ordered an autopsy on a young girl whose parents allegedly would have preferred otherwise, according to this blog post from a Daily Kos user named “Singing Lizard.”
Exhibit C: The last roadblock to Obama’s global climate change agenda
Conveniently for Obama and his coterie of climate change alarmists, Scalia’s death came just a few days after the Supreme Court blocked Obama’s centerpiece climate legislation. But now, with that pesky judge out of the way, there’s a good chance the plan will move over to the D.C. Circuit Court, where it’s very likely to finally get approved.
Exhibit D: Huge if true
Sure—unless it’s a false flag attack from the Republican base to rally their voters.
Cruz Murdered Scalia
Much like the Obama theory, except this time—Cruz!
The day before Scalia’s death, Trump supporters attempted to file a lawsuit against Ted Cruz declaring the man ineligible to run for president.
According to the redditor HonorableJudgeHolden, Scalia had once said that Cruz is not eligible to run for president. Of course, the article the user links to does not, in fact, say this anywhere, but we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.
Until we get something more solid under our belt, this seems unfortunately unlikely.
Scalia’s Still Alive
Much like Tupac and Aaliyah before him, what if Antonin Scalia is still living amongst us, alive and well? This one differs significantly from the Obama hitman theory above in that, here, Obama is actually Scalia’s savior.
Exhibit A: The chart
See this chart? In it, you’ll note that Scalia’s positions have been getting progressively more liberal in recent years. Since he was no longer playing the role the GOP had set him up to, the only option left was to put out a hit.
Exhibit B: Thanks Obama
Rather than let the man perish, the Obama administration knew it owed it to the Justice to put him into protective custody. The lack of autopsy, the pillow over his head—all of it was set up to obfuscate the identity of a dead man who was never actually Antonin Scalia in the first place.
If you are Antonin Scalia and you are still alive please send me an email here, thank you.
Scalia Was Having a Cocaine-Fueled Sex Romp
Maybe the forces behing the Scalia coverup weren’t malicious at all—and it was simply the work of a family who wanted to maintain their patriarch’s good name
Exhibit A: He was old!
A 79-year-old man would most likely need a little boost should he want to get his rocks off. And there’s no rock-getting boost better than a potent stack of cocaine and viagra. Of course, being a 79-year-old man also means having a heart that’s in no shape to handle such a hard-hitting cocktail. A heart attack would only make sense.
Exhibit B: No autopsy means no toxicology report
If this is what happened, then of course they’d want to keep the reality of the situation of the papers. No autopsy might open the death up to all sorts of speculation, but even that’s preferable to a damning certain truth.
Exhibit C: True
Exhibit A: An email from an imaginative reader
This email received by our own J.K. Trotter:
Exhibit B: Chupacabras are real
While some may snark, just a few years ago we had a report of a euthanized chupacabra in, of course, Texas. But a chupacabra does not simply spring out of thin air—where there’s one chupacabra, many more lie in waiting.
Exhibit A: Another imaginative reader
Also received by our own J.K. Trotter:
Exhibit B: Cancer is also real
Still going with Chupacabra.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org. Image by Jim Cooke, photos via Getty/Shutterstock.