As reported by multiple news outlets yesterday, Nick Denton and the rest of the executive board were considering a rebranding effort for Gawker Media, to distance ourselves from the old editorial mission, to our new one of being nicer to brands. Nick told us in a meeting on Thursday that the new site would be “20% nicer”.
“I’m excited about the new site,” Nick said, in a meeting to Gawker staff on Thursday. “The site is going to be about 20% nicer. We’re taking down 20% of the mean articles that make fun of companies and brands, and we’re going to add 20% more articles about how good stuff like Coca-Cola’s new advertising campaign is.”
“Also, on an unrelated note, I’m proud to announce our new native advertising partnership with The Coca-Cola Company. Here, try the new Hot Orangie Coke Classic! There’s a case under each of your desks. You are required to finish it by the end of the day.”
Today, Nick called another staff meeting, saying he had a revelation last night while watching an old tape of WrestleMania VI, trying to learn Hulk Hogan’s weaknesses. Here’s what he told us this morning, as reported by the Huffington Post:
Nick Denton paced up and down the office. “I was so scared of Hulk Hogan. He’s so big and strong, and he has a scary face. I was afraid of being suplexed by him. The Hulk could probably pick me up with one hand and spin me around like a pizza. Last night I watched WrestleMania VI. And when I saw the Ultimate Warrior get punched, and thrown around, I was crying. Why is the Hulk so mean? Why is he suing my company? Why is he being so mean to the Ultimate Warrior? But then he dodged an elbow drop from the Hulk and came back and pinned the Hulk to the ground, and won. I saw hope. I saw a way for Gawker to win. We have to be nice and strong, like the Ultimate Warrior.”
“And that’s why we’re changing our name from Gawker to The Ultimate Nice Website.”
Afterwards, he told us if we didn’t like the new name, it’s because we’re too mean and probably love the Hulk and have Hulkamania, and the Hulk is mega racist anyways, and racists aren’t nice, so we should be fired for being mean. Nick then chugged a Hot Orangie Coke, said “by the way I’m a millionaire, I know what I’m doing, oh god I hope the Hulk doesn’t suplex me in court, that has to be illegal right”, and left the room.
So we are proud to announce that Gawker is changing its name to The Ultimate Nice Website. Gawker Media, our parent company, is changing its name to These Are Some Ultimate Nice Websites. It’s 20% nicer!
Please try the new Hot Orangie Coke.
The remaining The Ultimate Nice Website editorial staff who are nice