Is Ted Cruz Secretly Robert Kardashian and Is Heidi Cruz Secretly Ana Gasteyer? A Very Good Conspiracy, Explained [UPDATED]
Lotta good conspiracy theories floating around these days. Did Obama’s infamous gang of Pillow Assassins kill Antonin Scalia? Is Trump a false flag candidate for Hillary? Is Ted Cruz secretly still Canadian? Is Ted Cruz secretly still Robert Kardashian Sr.?
The conspiracy goes like this: “Ted Cruz” is a disguise employed by Armenian-American entertainment lawyer Robert Kardashian, who did not die of esophageal cancer in 2003 as the world believed. Instead, he faked his death and assumed the role of “Ted Cruz,” leaving his family to fend for itself in Calabasas to begin a flourishing political career. To complete the masquerade, “Ted Cruz” married “Heidi Cruz”—who is actually former Saturday Night Live cast member Ana Gasteyer.
Ed Chiarini, founder of the website WellAware1.com, appears to be the driving force behind this theory. Chiarini, who also goes by “Dallas Goldbug,” believes that Lorne Michaels is a key player in the hoodwink, helping actors (and Robert Kardashian Sr.) assume the identities of political players. He believes the improv comedy scene is a hotbed for political imposters.
Unlike theorists obsessed with “connecting the dots” and “making a modicum of sense,” Chiarini’s technique is refreshingly simple: Slapping together photos of people who look vaguely similar and insisting they’re the same person. His collage of “Grandpa Cruzdashian” is a masterwork of this genre of evidence.
Chiarini hasn’t quite fleshed out his theory, but he has a good excuse. He is busy exposing a vast network of celebrities who have disguised themselves for nefarious political gains. Take Jackass star Steve-O. To you, maybe he’s just a washed-up TV prankster. To Chiarini, he’s obviously Staff Sgt. Frank Wuterich, the disgraced Marine who murdered Iraqi civilians in 2005:
And you may know Megyn Kelly as a Fox News star and horrible person—but could it be that she’s Nicole Brown Simpson, hiding in plain site?
Unfortunately, Chiarini doesn’t keep an open mind when alternative celebrity political imposters are suggested by his fans:
Update 2/17: Huge news. Ana Gasteyer has responded via email to Gawker’s queries about her role. Here is her response:
On the record, I need to state that it is in fact me. But contrary to your article’s assertion, I am unfortunately faux-married to the real Ted Cruz, not Kardashian as you state. I really wish it was a conspiracy, but it is a terrible reality for me and it has been very difficult, as I am angry all the time with my fake, smug husband, and I have to just smile and clap and sometimes touch him. It’s been super gross. Honestly, I’m incredibly relieved that the Truth is finally out so I can go home and take a long shower.